


Catboy Bert

by DoubleMastectomy



Category: My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: Catboy Bert McCracken, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22569001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoubleMastectomy/pseuds/DoubleMastectomy
Summary: Repressed furry Gerard Way often finds himself lost in unobtainable fantasies, but one day one of his fantasies comes true. (//_0) XDThis is a joke.Based on this: https://theultravs.tumblr.com/post/190337028566/hello-beloved-followers-heres-catboy-bert
Relationships: Bert McCracken/Gerard Way
Comments: 30
Kudos: 33





	1. Nya :3

Gerard Way hunches over his sketchbook, sketching away with a sharpie creating a rough portrait of a nameless man. Maybe a new character for one of his endless comic ideas? But as handsome as the figure looks, he can tell the design is missing something, it’s too bland, unmemorable. He chews on the plastic cap of his marker, thoughtfully. He quickly draws in the rough outline of cat ears onto the figure’s head. Gerard looks at it, and then sighs lamentfully and puts the paper back down on the table. _If only catboys were real_ , he mourns to himself.

The next day, Gerard is taking out the trash. It’s nearly midnight at the New Jersey suburban house he was renting out for the time being, and it had been way too long since he’d last taken out the garbage. So now, he’s got two overfilled trash bags he’s lugging outside into the brisk dark air. He’s tired and frustrated and feeling ever so slightly overwhelmed with the task, he just wants to get it done quickly so he go back inside and get back to writing lyrics for his band. They weren’t that big yet but he was already anticipating their second album. He drops the bags outside with a thud. Gerard adjects the beanie he’s wearing, rubs the sleep out of his eyes, and then turns to head back inside.

But out of the corner of his eyes he sees something move and catches a rustling sound. He turns back, expecting a stray dog, and catches the glint of two large blue eyes shining back at him from the shadow behind his trash cans.. Gerard shakes his head, This might as well happen, he thinks. It’s just as he’d suspected: a stray seemed to have gotten into one of his old pizza boxes. He just hoped it was a dog. If it was a cat then, well, as much as he’d love the cute little guy he didn’t want to deal with an allergic reaction tonight.

Gerard squats down and softly coos to it, smiling kindly, “Hey friend, come over here I’ve got warm food inside you can have.” The vague silhouette sinks back. Gerard bites his lip nervously, hoping the animal doesn’t run off. He outstretches a hand, openly, “pspspspspspspspsp.”

Then out of the shadow a hesitant pair of curious whiskers emerges. _So it is a cat_ , Gerard notes sadly, _but it’s much bigger than I thought-_ he suddenly catches sight of an arm. A human arm. And before he realizes it, in front of him is another man, mirroring his squat. But this man has two large black furry ears like satellite dishes, and delicate translucent white whiskers on the sides of his cheeks, and a long soft tail waving back and forth behind him pensively. Gerard looks at its eyes again and sees the pupils, still round in this lighting, but distinctly inhuman. Gerard blushes. _A real catboy._

“H-hello…” Gerard starts timidly.

The catboy smiles back at him cheekily, “Nya :3”. On all fours he starts slowly walking around Gerard looking him up and down and sniffing the air.

“Um, do you uh live here? In this neighborhood? I mean- uh- what are you doing behind my house.”

The catboy sits down in front of him again, “Oh I was just passing through for a quick dinner, my name is Bert by the way :3 nya.”

“Ok Bert, I’m Gerard,” he clears his throat, still not sure if what he’s seeing in front of him is even real or not. “Want to uh, stop in for some real dinner? No offense. I’ve got coffee and pancake mix.” He wonders to himself how hypoallergenic this guy is. 

“Sure! :3” Bert’s ears twitch excitedly. 

Twenty minutes later, Gerard places two cups of coffee and a stack of pancakes down on the coffee table. Some of them are burnt and some are undercooked but he hopes Bert doesn’t mind.

“So Bert, you’re a uh, you’re, um…,” he doesn’t want to sound rude.

“I’m a catboy, nya :3”

Gerard nods thoughtfully.

Bert licks his own hand, like a cat, and then grabs a pancake for himself. Gerard can’t help but notice the beautiful shiny black hair cascading down the sides of Bert’s face as he holds the pancake in both of his hands and starts biting into it like you would a burger. Gerard is blushing again, and realizes he wants nothing more than to reach over and pet Bert behind his big soft cat ears. But would that be rude?

Gerard sips on his coffee nervously as his gaze gets lost in the sight of Bert’s whiskers. It’s the cat of his dreams, he realizes, half cat half boy. He needs to say something to break this awkward lull in conversation. But it’s Bert who speaks up first:

“Well that was a good pancake but I should be on my way now. :3 I’m in a band and we’re leaving in the morning for a tour.” He yawns wide, like a cat, seemingly unhinging his jaw in the process. Flushed, Gerard’s eyes dart to the pointy fangs in Bert’s mouth.

Gerard stands up suddenly, “Wait! I’m in a band too! And we’re also touring, uh, just a little as well, um,” he blushes at Bert’s smile and looks away.

“We should keep in touch then, Jared :3”

Bert pulls out some torn scrap paper and a pen from his jorts pocket, and starts writing numbers down onto it. Gerard feels butterflies in his stomach, watching Bert now thinking, _Omg is he really gonna just give me his number like that?_ Bert then gives Gerard his number.

Gerard then follows Bert to the door. As Bert starts walking out, Gerard stops him, “Wait, sorry, can I uh, kiss you? 0_0”

Bert smiles sheepishly, slowly leans in, and then gently licks the tip of Gerard’s nose.

“Well, talk to you later Jared :3” and then, tail swaying behind him, Bert disappears into the night once more and Gerard's face starts itching from an allergic reaction.


	2. Reunions :3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t planning on writing more of this au, but I wasn’t planning on falling in love with Frank Iero either and here we are.
> 
> This chapter takes place in modern day, late 2019 some time but nothing specific. For context: since the first chapter Gerard and Bert dated (in a musical sense) for a while before having a bit of a falling out like in real life. But they’re friends again now, like in real life.
> 
> Here’s modern day catboy Bert btw:  
> https://theultravs.tumblr.com/post/190895696396/good-morning-beloved-followers-remember-catboy

“I need a place to stay for the weekend.”  
  
Gerard sighs, “ _This_ weekend?”  
  
“No any weekend, your choice.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“No. _This_ weekend. You’re still in California right? I’ve got an important meeting I’ve gotta get to and all the good hotels are pet-free. I don’t want to spend the weekend in some shitty motel if I can help it”  
  
“I’m sure there’s plenty of good pet-friendly hotels too-”  
  
“With dogs?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“There’s dogs in those hotels. You want me to spend the weekend in a hotel with _dogs_? A dog hotel? You want me to live with dogs like some sort of animal? Like some sort of pet I gotta go to the pet-friendly dog hotel for dogs? You want me to do that?”  
  
Gerard stays silent for a moment trying to think. “Well….”  
  
Bert’s silence is deafening.  
  
“...I guess you could stay here for a few days if you really need to, we have a spare bedroom you could crash in.”  
  
“Kthxbai! X3'' The catboy hangs up the phone.  
  
Gerard hangs up his end as well. He’d been calling Bert almost nightly for a while now, but to see him in person again? It’d been years. And a catboy wasn’t exactly low maintenance to host.  
  
Gerard can still remember when the two of them toured together, the hairballs, the shedding. And how at three am Bert would just run around for no reason. Gerard would ask “Why are you running around the hotel for no reason?” and Bert would just say in response: “Fuck it we ball.”  
  
Of course to be fair, Gerard’s gotten used to that kind of stuff now, he and Lindsey have two pet cats, so a third cat for the weekend couldn’t be too difficult to deal with. Gerard wasn’t even allergic to cats anymore since getting the two of them, so allergy shots wouldn’t be necessary.  
  
Lindsey’s actually thrilled to hear about Bert visiting. “He’ll love Mitch and Lotion,” she says.  
  
“Will he? I should’ve asked about that while we were on the phone, I hope he didn’t forget we have them.”  
  
Gerard spends the rest of the day, it’s a Thursday, cleaning around the house in preparation for Bert’s arrival.  
  
Bert arrives that Friday night.  
  
The doorbell rings right as they’re finishing up with dinner preparations. Lindsey asks, “Could you go get the door while I put the cheese plate on the table?”  
  
Gerard nods, wiping the flour on hands off on a kitchen towel, “As long as you can also put this pie in the oven when you get the chance? It should be ready for desert if we start it now.”  
  
“Of course!”  
  
On his way out to the front door Gerard scoops up Mitch and Lotion who’d been following him at his feet, and he gently tosses them into the office, closing the door behind them. He’d deal with introducing them to Bert later.  
  
He opens the front door.  
  
“Nya :3 hewwo”  
  
“Hey Bert,” Gerard smiles. Bert’s older now, his hair (fur?) is cut much shorter than the last time they’d seen each other, giving him something of a 2019 Tom Hooper movie aesthetic. His soft cat ears are still the same as ever though, twitching a bit in anticipation. He grins, flashing his little pointy cat fangs.  
  
“Come on in,” Gerard welcomes, taking Bert’s suitcase for him.  
  
“Lovely place you’ve got here, what’s that smell? Pasta? :3”  
  
“Yeah we’ve got pasta, a cheese plate for the appetizer, and I’m baking a homemade-”  
  
“Wait!” Bert freezes in his tracks.  
  
“Uh, what-”  
  
Bert’s whiskers fidget and his tail starts swaying behind him slowly. His eyes are wide, something’s caught his attention. Bert leans into Gerard, sniffing. “You smell like….”  
  
_Oh no_ , Gerard thinks, _He must smell the cats on me_. He opens his mouth blankly trying to find an excuse to give. “I-”  
  
“...You smell like apple pie! Are you baking an apple pie? :3”  
  
Gerard breathes a sigh of relief.  
  
“And also you smell like other cats >:3c”  
  
“Oh, I-”  
  
Lindsey walks in, “Hello Bert! How are you?”  
  
“I’m good, thank you!” his ears are still fluttering around, “Can I meet the cats?!”  
  
“After dinner,” Lindsey says.  
  
The three of them sit down at the dining room table for the appetizer. On the table there’s also glasses of water, a coffee for Gerard, and a centerpiece of flowers.  
  
“This isn’t too much?” Gerard asks, a little anxious about impressing his old friend.  
  
Bert looks over the platter smelling the air. He starts grabbing a few slices of the various cheese options, and then turns his attention over to the meat selections. “Can I have some of that salami?”  
  
“A little salami?” Gerard asks.  
  
“Yeah, can I have a little salami? :3”  
  
“Yes, Bert you can have little a salami :)”  
  
“Thanks, nya :3” He grabs a handful of salami and adds it to his stash of food.  
  
Lindsey turns to Bert, “So how’ve you been lately?”  
  
“Well,” he licks at his hand some thoughtfully grooming himself, “I’ve been preparing for the Used tour mostly, We’re gonna be starting next January on that and then we’ve got a new album coming out on four twenty…..  
  
….  
  
…  
  
four.  
  
Four twentyfour.” He mimics hitting a blunt, “you know… >:3”  
  
“Oh very cool!”  
  
“And,” Bert adds on, “We’ve been looking to open for other bands next year after our tour. Specifically American rock or punk bands,” he takes a bite of the salami, “Oh and preferably a band from the East Coast region, maybe northern East Coast if we can be picky, say, for example the New Jersey area? >:3”  
  
Gerard smiles, “Ok I see where you’re going with this….”  
  
“Yeah you know what’d be great is if we could open for a band that’s been broken up for a while but could be thinking about getting back together again soon. A real out-of-left-field reunion of a New Jersey band, one who’s reunion has long been given up on but you just know that behind the scenes at least some of the members want to make music like that again. We’d love to open for that kind of vibe, nya!”  
  
“Ok Bert, I get it….”  
  
“And if the band had Frank Iero in it, that’d be a real homerun.”  
  
“You can just say the band name Bert.”  
  
“Leathermouth.”  
  
“Wait.”  
  
Bert starts chowing down on the rest of the cheese he’d grabbed while Gerard tries to process the conversation. He grabs his mug of coffee and sips on it. “You know Leathermouth isn’t getting back together, right?”  
  
“That’s what Frank always says! ‘A broken clock’ and all that. :3”  
  
Lindsey places a comforting hand on Bert’s head and scratches a bit behind his cat ear, “They’re really not going to reunite.…”  
  
Bert puts down his food. His ears droop, heartbreak spreads across his face. “You don’t really mean that….”  
  
Lindsey smiles sadly, “But I do….”  
  
“Well hang on,” Gerard speaks up trying to find something to make Bert feel better, “It’s no Leathermouth but, uh, my band, My Chemical Romance, is getting back together soon, you can open for us?”  
  
Lindsey flashes him a look as if to say, _They can?_  
  
Gerard smiles, of course they hadn’t been planning for the Used to open for MCR but if it made Bert stop moping he saw nothing wrong in the questionable promise, “You could totally open for us next year, it’d be great!”  
  
Bert’s face lit up, “Wonderful! I’ll definitely start announcing that at the Used live shows immediately!”

~~~  


The rest of their dinner is full of nice pleasantries and conversation. And after the dishes get put away, Gerard decides to get some writing done on his laptop.  
  
Not long after he sits down on the couch, word document open, Bert joins him.  
  
Gerard spends a few minutes typing away at a Doom Patrol WIP before he notices Bert is sitting very close to him.  
  
And a few minutes after that, Bert is directly on top of Gerard’s laptop.  
  
He pushes him off, “Come on man, you’re just like Mitch.”  
  
“Mitch?” Bert’s tail waves and his ears perk up.  
  
“Yeah, one of our cats.”  
  
“Can I meet him? :3”  
  
“Sure.”  
  
Gerard fetches the two cats, both of them a little unsure of Bert’s presence but after a moment they lean in sniffing the air. Bert also leans in sniffing, before gently headbutting Mitch.  
  
Gerard just gets back to writing his comic while the three cats lay next to him on the couch watching him in a dogpile. Gerard gets a only few more lines done before he hears a purring sound, but he knows Mitch and Lotion’s purring and this isn’t it. Suddenly he remembers again his and Bert’s time together on tour in the early 2000s.  
  
“Bert are you _purring?_ ”  
  
“Don’t be catboyphobic, Jared >:(“  
  
“Sorry I just forgot that you did that.” He looks over at Bert, “It’s very cute actually.”  
  
“Thank you, nya :3”  
  
Gerard gets back to his work but keeps talking to Bert, “So, over the phone you said you had to be in California for some sort of meeting, what is it?”  
  
Bert yawns flashing his teeth and then rolls over onto his back. he repeats: “'What meeting?'” and smiles, “ _This_ meeting, I just needed an excuse to see you again.”  
  
Gerard smiles, “Aw, you didn’t need an excuse Bert, you could’ve just asked.”  
  
“Oh? :3 nya”  
  
“One more question,” Gerard says.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“All these years I’ve known you and I’ve never figured this out, what does ‘nya’ mean?”  
  
“Oh you know :3”  
  
“Um….”  
  
“You know, like nya” Bert flicks his wrist next to his face, “Nya :3”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote the first draft of this while procrastinating my kitchen management final, and I wrote the second draft while watching Gayle Waters-Waters reruns on youtube hoping to gain some comedic ability out of osmosis. 
> 
> And then I decided fuck it I might as well go ahead and watch a few ted talks about comedy to actually, you know, “learn” something. But that’s not here nor there cause by that point I was too lazy to actually go back for a third draft. 
> 
> So all of that to say: if this concept has been worn a bit thin comedy-wise, this chapter wasn't as funny as you'd hoped, and you were instead tricked into reading a semi-genuine rpf fic about a catboy and a furry reuniting years after their failed relationship: you’re welcome.


End file.
